I saw a Facebook video recently, AshraLouisa, actually I’ve been following her religiously because she speaks to my inner child, my inner self that cried out for help for over a decade. Well, probably the whole 40 years I’ve been on this rock.

Cuz when I was a child I got sent away from slumber parties.

When I was a preteen I did lots of drugs and reckless behaviour.

As a teenager I slept on city streets and did more drugs, theft and lies, cheating and all the things in the drug world people don’t talk about.

I experienced all the things in the drug world people don’t talk about. Or at least I didn’t, because I didn’t have the words or the understanding.

I wrote a poem recently with a line that spilled from my pen but resonated so deep in my bones it’s hard to shake.

“Trauma hits different when you don’t understand”

And it’s so hard to even explain that to anyone except me, because I am sad for child/teen me that went through so much abuse without realizing it was abuse. I’m sad for young adult me that thought it was the right thing to do is swallow the pain and memories and keep on keeping.

So when I hit thirty and could hardly walk straight without crippling anxiety, I started asking why?

Nd every doctor, counsellor, psychiatrist I met with said the same thing (well the same two things) – anxiety.

There was PTSD in there too but anxiety rang again and again. I had a doctor once say “if you don’t accept my diagnosis I’ll send you to the psych ward to get a better diagnosis there”

Which felt like a scary threat at the time, me being young mom with a medical profession myself, so I said okay, hung my head and carried on my anxious ways.

I tried four different anxiety meds, all types of counsellor and coping skills but nothing seemed to work super great.

So last year, when a new psychiatrist said “maybe you’re autistic” I sought out the proper channels to get a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed in April of this year, and it’s a life changer. It’s changed everything.

My perspective, guilt, shame, anxiety, masks, performance, relationships, writing style- legit everything has a new lens in it!

And I am so grateful.

Because I am autistic, and now I forgive my younger self.

-a Non Miss

Bunny from Plushie Dreadfuls