When I was diagnosed with anxiety years and years ago I kept asking why I felt this way. The doctors asked why I was denying my anxious ways. The counsellors asked why I was so anxious to begin with. And I never could say exactly why I was so wound up that a pin drop would make me jump. I didn’t know why I had the panic attacks I did. All I knew is they happened and they were often and then I was scared of the future panic attacks which added to the anxiety.

Well yesterday I edged on a panic attack and I learnt my why.

Because I’ve begun learning about how I’m autistic and adhd and how over stimulated I can become and I legit felt it.

I felt the irritation build inside me as everyone in the restaurant seemed to be talking louder and louder. The lights seemed to be getting brighter and I felt my heart quicken and my breath shallow.

I was drowning in my fear silently inside my own mind but this time I had new words for it, and having the words to explain why it was happening helped me.

This time I told myself I was overstimulated. This time I told myself there is nothing wrong with me, I’m not going to die, I’m just overwhelmed. So I focused on cutting my food even though I dreaded putting the bite in my mouth. I refused to let anxiety take the reins as I lifted my orange juice to my lips which rattled with fear.

This time I named it a near meltdown and I recovered my feelings before they spilled over into full blown panic.

I am autistic.

I am a Non-Miss