I recall my first panic attacks. My chest tight, difficult breathing, room tilting, head squeezing. I went to the doctor, I went to the hospital, I went to Google.

I tried vitamins, I tried exercise, I tried finding a solution to what was ailing me even though I didn’t understand what was ailing me.

Even when the doctor said it was anxiety, I didn’t understand why or where it came from. Sure I had stress in my life, but this crippling amount of stress seemed unreal! I mean come on, I was finally sober!

Oh did I mention I spent the first half my life self medicating my anxiety symptoms because I never understood what was wrong with me, or more basic than that- why I felt something was wrong with me!

I’m 40 years old and I’ve been 20 years sober from heroin, cocaine, meth, ecstasy, but after the hard shit, my sobriety was drowned in alcohol, it was culturally acceptable anyway. I socially drank, I closet drank, I drank to drown my nerves, I drank to forget my fears. Any other day, I didn’t bother with an excuse, I drank just because I could.

An excuse was easier than the truth.

“Oh, I feel off because I’m hung over”

“I’m weird today because my vitamin B is low”

“My social battery is low because I didn’t sleep well enough”

So many excuses I carried from one day to the next because I never understood why. Now I haven’t self medicated in 5 years and even the anxiety medications and antidepressants haven’t fixed what I always felt was wrong.

And what was wrong?

I didn’t understand.

And that statement is the basis of this blog so it might take sometime to get to the bottom of the misunderstanding, because I’m only beginning to understand now.

Because now I’ve been diagnosed with autism. So I understand something was truly wrong with me.

-a Non-Miss