It’s so kind when people tell me I don’t look old enough to have adult children. I super appreciate the compliment! I’m 40 years old and yes I do have wrinkles and I cherish my four grey hairs as they are proof of my age which should be a reflection of how mature I feel.

And please don’t read that wrong, because I feel mature and act mature, it’s more like- I feel stuck being the child in the group.

By social settings I feel like I’m the dumb kid butting in with their two cents that often doesn’t even match the tone of the conversation.

When I get emotional I feel so juvenile it makes me feel more emotional. They’re such hard feelings to describe but it truly just feels like I’m a kid. So when I answer questions that are meant to make me feel youthful- like “what activity makes you feel like a child again?” I answer- everything, and I wish it didn’t. So when people tell me I look too young to have adult children, I say thank you, with a smile on my face which is actually masking my pain as I feel like a child that was lucky enough to end up with adult children.

I wish I could feel old and say, “when I run around the backyard with no shoes on I feel like a child again”

But instead I say, “when I’m having a conversation I feel like the child about to get in trouble when you figure out what I’ve done”

And I suppose that’s my autism. Or at least, I’m learning what autism is in me, and it’s only day three of this new diagnosis.

-a Non-Miss